Friday, May 4, 2012

Bad Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey is jumping all over the place, eating everything in the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your damn monkey just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "The little bastard eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first….."

Thursday, April 19, 2012

South American Blow Job Toad

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him. The guy asks, "What's in the box?" The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad." The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?" The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later. "That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me." The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door. "Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands. "It’s a South American Blow Job Toad." "So?" asks the wife. "So, teach it to cook and get the fuck out….."

Monday, April 9, 2012

My Mom Just Died

A blonde walks into a bar crying. The bartender asks her what’s wrong, she sobs, “I just found out that my mother passed away.” The bartender feeling very sorry for the young lady hands her a double martini and says, “Here, have a drink on the house and why don’t you sit here.” pointing to a quiet corner. A little while later he checks on her and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes over and asks, "What's the matter now?” She responds, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too…..”

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Guess My Age

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell. A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name." "You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay." So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" "Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am….."

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Magic Mirror

A blonde, a brunette and a red head walk into a bar. In this bar was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. But if you told it the truth it would grant you three wishes. The brunette walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.” FOOP it sucked her in. Then the redhead walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.” FOOP it sucked her in. Then the blond walked up to the mirror and said, “I think…” FOOP…..

Friday, April 6, 2012

No Reaction

Some Helium floats into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve noble gasses here.” The Helium doesn’t react…..”

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Pork Pie

A guy walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?" The man replies, "It's a family tradition, we always wear a pork pie on our heads on Tuesday." The bartender says, "But it's Wednesday, not Tuesday." Sheepishly, the guy says, "Man, I must look like a real fool….."